EDUCATIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST – 25

Mrs.DEVI VENUGOPAL

ear Readers hope the wellness wheel helps manage the lifestyle and transforms our compulsive nature into a conscious manner.  We need to understand the debate between strategy versus Culture to apply the mindful techniques in our lifestyle.

What is Strategy?

The “game plan” is the way to achieve our goals to succeed.

What is Culture?

On the other hand, it is less about what we want to achieve and more about who we are. It is the way we do things around here. A famous quote from a thought leader Peter Drucker: “Culture eats strategy for breakfast.”

The debate is old, but it is crucial to understand how things are done around here to bring transformation within and around. We can look into a few questions to understand about Culture.

  1. What behaviors are rewarded? Punished?
  2. Where and how are people spending their resources (time, money, attention)?
  3. How is vulnerability (uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure) perceived?
  4. What rules and expectations are followed, enforced, and ignored?
  5. Do people feel safe and supported talking about their feelings and asking for what they need?
  6. What happens when someone fails, disappoints, or makes mistakes?
  7. How prevalent are shame and blame, and how are they showing up?
  8. What is the collective tolerance for discomfort? Is the discomfort of learning, trying new things, and giving and receiving feedback normalized, or is there a high premium put-on comfort (and how does that look)? (Brown, B, Daring Greatly)

Why do we need to ask these questions? What is the purpose of shedding light on Culture?

It enlightens us on the areas of our lives such as disconnection, disengagement, and our struggle for worthiness. If we want to transform our lives, we need to know the difference between aspirational values and practiced values as it decides how we feel, live, behave and think. Are we walking our talk? It is an uncomfortable discussion.

Disengagement Divide

Why do we disengage?

  1. We disengage to protect ourselves from vulnerability, shame, and feeling lost and without purpose.
  2. We disengage when we feel like the people leading us – our boss, our teachers, our principal, our clergy, our parents, our politicians – aren’t living up to their end of the social contract. An example from my own life, we have had sibling relationship issues for years together; the reason for the disengagement is the feeling that the person involved is not living up to the end of the agreement. It creates a lot of suffering, pain, and disharmony in the family.

Minding the gap is a daring strategy; we have to pay attention to the space between where we’re standing and where we want to be. We have to practice the values that we are holing up high in our Culture. Minding the gap means embracing our imperfections yet being engaged and committed to aligning values with action.

We can look into common family examples as we are all part of families whether we are married or single, have kids or not. The significant gap between aspirational and practiced values creates a dangerous disengagement divide.

  1. Aspirational values
    Honesty and Integrity

Practiced values: Rationalizing and letting things slide.

Mom is always telling her kids that honesty and integrity are essential and that stealing and cheating in school won’t be tolerated. As they pile up in the car after a long grocery shopping, Mom notices that the cashier did not charge for the sodas in the bottom of the cart. Rather than going back into the store, she shrugs and says, “Wasn’t my fault. They’re making a mint anyway.”

  1. Aspirational values
    Respect and Accountability

Practiced values: Fast and easy is more important.

Dad is always driving home the importance of respect and accountability, but when Bobby intentionally breaks Sammy’s new transformer toy, Dad is busy with his phone. Instead of insisting Bobby apologize and make amends, he shrugs his shoulders, thinking, Boys will be boys, and tells them both to go to rooms.

  1. Aspirational values
    Gratitude and Respect

Practiced values: Teasing, taking for granted, disrespect.

Mom and Dad constantly feel underappreciated, and they’re tired of their children’s disrespectful attitudes. But Mom and Dad themselves yell at each other names. No one in the house says please or thank you, including the parents. Moreover, parents use put-down with children and each other, and everyone routinely teases family members to the point of tears. The problem is that the parents look for behaviors, emotions, and thinking patterns that their children have never seen modeled.

Let’s see an example of the power of aligned values:

  1. Aspirational Values:
    Emotional Connection and
    Honored Feelings

Practiced  Values: Emotional Connection and Honored Feelings

Mom and Dad have tried to instill and model the “feelings first” ethic in their family. One evening, Fizzy comes home in tears, throws the school bag, and goes to her room. The whole transition to Middle School has been hard for Fizzy as her friends moved out of the school, she has missed her chance to join the Musical. Mom and Dad inform their elder daughter to be on her own to have the conversation with Fizzy. They go upstairs together and sit on the edge of her bed. “Your mom and I know that the past few weeks have been hard,” Dad says. “We don’t know exactly how you feel, but we want to know. Middle School was tough for both of us, and we want to be with you in this.” This is a real example for showing minding the gap and cultivating engagement!