Mrs.Devi Venugopal
Educational Psychologist, Indonesia
Hi readers, let’s continue with our discussion on how to support and nurture young minds. Drowning all by themselves doesn’t build resilience.
In the past 20 years, ‘helicopter parenting’ has become quite prominent; these are parents who overly interfere with the children’s lives and impede the children’s independent working. Simultaneously, some parents are too cautious not to be hovering parents and leave the teens to handle the situation. When teens are in distress, it’s quite common among parents to let them fall and get up by themselves. While Adolescents are capable problem solvers, we need not leave it all to them to solve; that’s not resilience, that’s loneliness.”, says Katie Hurley, an adolescent psychotherapist.
We know from years of research that human beings long for connection. We aren’t supposed to be drowning in a storming sea without a life ring. Rather teens need adults to hold them steady in a rough sail.
Resilience – a common trait expected from all of us during these unprecedented times. The science around resilience is the need to recover from difficulties with the adult’s help to build the teen’s character. According to the Harvard research study, resilience is not an intrinsic trait but dynamic and can be nurtured throughout life from both good and bad times. If there were an award for your soft skills, resilience would be a lifetime achievement award. As we go through hard times, we must understand that we can solve them and hone our skills. But it’s not fair to expect teenagers to be able to do this independently all the time because their brains are not yet developed until they are 25 years of age. There is good news for adults who are worried about their capacity to help teenagers. According to research, “children who do well despite serious hardship have had at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive adult.” In other words, in tough times, a parent or caregiver’s very presence can be a protective factor. This working paper from the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child explains how protective factors in a child’s social environment and body interact to produce resilience and discusses strategies that promote healthy development in the face of
trauma.
Practice Zooming out and finding purpose.
It a common practice to zoom in to hyper-focus on what we think is essential. For teenager parents, it is grades, tests, scores, and college process. Those are not the areas to focus on right now, and we need to clear our lens and zoom out. It is crucial to understand what skills the kids can develop at this time. Can they learn the value of helping the elderly in the neighborhood, Or can they help a younger child to read in Zoomcalls. Can they use their skills to train the kids in the community in particular sports? These are specific ways we can channel the negative energy into positive pathways. Putting their hands in the soil and doing gardening is very
therapeutic.
If the teens find it hard to focus outside of themselves, beyond what they are missing and feelings, this doesn’t
mean they are selfish. It just means they are humans and struggling; reach them there and acknowledge, “I know this is hard, I get it, what else can you do?” says Hurley. We need to help kids find a purpose because when we have a mission, we become optimistic and feel like we can get through hard things.
Look for small pieces of happiness.
Hurley suggests looking for small nuggets of happiness and hope for parents and caregivers struggling to find their equilibrium. We have the habit of hitching our wagons to big ideas and big things. Now is the time to unwind and go back to small things. The standard issue parents with many children bring in during the Covid time is sibling conflicts, and if there are fewer conflicts in recent times, it’s time for celebration. Likewise, if teens who have struggled with school find a new interest like cooking, baking, board games, arts and crafts, puzzle making, it’s a big win. Again, take time out to celebrate these events.
Similarly, we need to acknowledge how the youth is thriving through these challenging times and need applause. Recently, Hurley found herself saying to her kids, “I think you guys are remarkable. Online schooling has been a tough time. And it hasn’t always been easy for you, but you’re weathering the storm with us, and you’re doing what you need to do. And you’re coming to us when it’s too hard. And you’re asking to play a game or walk the dog together if you need to connect. Those things are essential, and we have to call those out.”
Citation
Hurley, K. Listen and connect – How parents can connect with teenagers. Kqed.com.
