Educational Psychologist Indonesia-16

Mrs.Devi Venugopal

The most challenging task during regular times is to connect with the teenager and direct their energy positively; no doubt they are the most vulnerable population during the challenging times.

The most common issue is, how do parents handle teenagers?

With online, no social connection, youth trapped in the house 24/7 is a nightmare for parents. Most parents struggle to grapple with teenagers during the pandemic and their own pressing professional and financial concerns.

Today we will discuss simple ways to nurture young minds.

Katie Hurley, an adolescent psychotherapist, shares her perspective of what adolescents’ longs for. The things teen crave for is connection and listening, as it is hard for everyone. From my personal experience, having a teenage daughter at home, online schooling, and deprived social connection makes them more vulnerable. She longs to connect with me and wants me to listen to her jibber jabber.

The most crucial factor before you try to make the connection is to check your emotional temperature. It is quite exhausting for you to listen to their stories, which can be repetitive sometimes and annoying. The trick I use is I initially tell my teenager that my energy level is low during nighttime, so I would request her to share her day during the morning time. I must agree that it is quite overwhelming to meet all the demands of a parent, teacher, friend, and managing the household. So it is ok to be yourselves without armoring to be brave at all times; children pick their cues from the adults. To share that it feels like a roller coaster ride every day, and it is acceptable to feel the same.

No single strategy will work; saying that, it is always good to have few coping strategies in your back during stressful times. For example, simple breathing exercises and role modeling in case of need implicitly show the kids to use their coping mechanisms. To name a few, I would do everyday yoga and simple meditation, seeing this; my teenager mystically tried a simple meditation along with me. She uses them while feeling stress.

Families need to be open with emotions and share self-care habits.

Hurley also states that daily walks, online yoga classes, simple meditation apps have shown results to reduce acute stress.

Rules to check in with your teenage children without policing.

Teens need an adult to keep an eye on them, but how we check in increases their anxiety. We must hone the skill of checking them in non-threatening ways. Please stop asking whether they have turned in their assignments, how many are outstanding, and the due date. Recently, there is a lot of media chatter about how kids are falling behind in learning due to online schooling, which switches on the parents’ panic mode.

It is hard to see children struggling, and we would like to fix it, but it can’t be fixed. Instead, we can acknowledge the problematic situation and reaffirm them, ‘It is hard to learn math online; I know it is tough both academically and emotionally.” Let them know that we are there to listen and guide them if they need an extra helping hand. Let them know that you are proud of them as to how they are dealing with the pandemic. It is ok to make mistakes and slack back behind sometimes. We can always catch up with additional support. We need to do more of listening and asking them, “How are you doing?” How are you feeling?”

Most of Hurley’s teenage clients complain that they feel lonely, they miss their friends and miss their teacher leaning on their table and pointing out the mistakes; teachers have their ways to connect with students, which is impossible in Zoom.

Meet the teens where they are – Parents usually complain that the youth are not asking for help, but they are requesting for use in a way we don’t like. When they are whining and sniping at you for small things, there it is! They are trying to hand over their feelings. They are ranting it out because those emotions are uncomfortable, and they don’t want to keep it by themselves. To share a real-life scenario, whenever my daughter feels stressed, she rants about gender equality, global warming, and ends up that schooling is not equipping them for real life. I would patiently listen to all logical explanations and emotional ranting nearly for an hour or two; after all the talk, I would ask her how she feels, she says its hard to do online schooling. I share how hard it is for my husband, who works from home, every day he longs to go to the office. So I ask her to take a break, go down to practice some goals with her dad, or go for a run to get some fresh air. I would accompany her for a walk. The endorphins help to reduce anxiety and stress. Play is how kids connect well with others and use video games, cards, board games, and badminton. Usually, my elder daughter asks me to watch her play her favorite video game, and sometimes we, as a family, play trivial pursuit. It eases the tension and instantly enables us to connect. Parental warmth amplifies all other parenting strategies; just showing them love and making them feel loved unconditionally makes them feel secure and confident.

Listen until the end

The best thing that a parent and caregiver can give is the undivided attention of listening, empathizing, and compassion. Please put all your gadgets away while communicating; it shows that you are serious about their views and opinions. We need to practice being a soundboard, not a quick fix. Be patient, wait until the end, repeat their concerns, ask them if they want any ideas, or shoot them with questions on what options they have in mind.

When teens share their problems, please resist the urge to minimize them or provide solutions. Try to make a short, empathetic response, such as “Well, it looks hard! I’m heartbroken for you. This seems difficult.” In the face of compassionate listening, teens often start to reflect and come up with their solutions; they will slowly shift from the piles of complaints to a little bit of “Maybe I can do this or that” the most challenging role is to listen and not to share our ideas which had worked for us. Hurley offers guidance for the adult language when teens share their problems, first, validate their emotions with “Oh! That stinks.” Then you can add by asking whether they can handle it by themselves or need us to intervene. If you ask a youth that you are looking for answers or guiding them through the storm by talking about it or listening to it? Nine out of ten times, they want you to ‘listen through it.’

We will continue discussing a few more tips in the next month