Mary Pouline, Author and Founder, Sapience Publications
Hello, dear readers.
I’m Mary Pouline, back again with my monthly parenting insights. Last month, we stepped away from parenting to reflect on something else, but today we return to a reality every parent faces at some point: tantrums.Let’s explore the science behind tantrums and look at effective ways to deal with them.
Few parenting challenges test your patience and resilience quite like a toddler tantrum. The screaming, kicking, crying, and collapsing on the floor in public can leave even the most composed parent feeling helpless or judged. But tantrums, while exhausting, are a normal part of development: signals of a young child’s growing awareness, frustration, and emotional immaturity.
Understanding what tantrums truly are, and knowing how to respond, can make all the difference. While there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, science-backed strategies and compassionate parenting approaches offer a roadmap to guide parents through these turbulent toddler years.
Why Toddlers Have Tantrums
Tantrums typically occur between the ages of 1 and 4. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), they are a natural result of toddlers’ limited vocabulary and emotional regulation skills. They know what they want, but lack the words or self-control to express it.
“A tantrum is the storm that happens when a toddler’s emotions outpace their ability to cope,” says Dr. Laura Markham, child psychologist and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids. “They aren’t trying to manipulate you. They’re overwhelmed, and they need help to process it.”
The analogy of a tiny, overwhelmed volcano is often used to describe a toddler mid-tantrum: feelings build inside—hunger, fatigue, disappointment, overstimulation—and eventually erupt when their emotional system can’t contain it anymore.
Types of Tantrums
Understanding the underlying cause can help parents respond more effectively. Experts categorize tantrums into two general types:
1. Emotional tantrums: These arise when the child is genuinely upset, due to fear, exhaustion, or frustration. These are not calculated behaviors; they’re emotional outbursts.
2. Manipulative (or instrumental) tantrums: These occur when the child learns that a certain behavior (like screaming) results in getting their way. These require a different parental approach, focused on consistency and boundary-setting.
